Two Huge Dicks

As I make my way down the hallway, I can already hear the opening swell of The Chainsmokers' Closer bleeding through the walls.

The door is already open.

That is a good sign.

I step inside.

The smoke hits me first. Then the music. Then the voices layered on top of each other, all shouting to be heard over the same song they've probably heard a thousand times before.

As my eyes adjust, the apartment slowly comes into focus.

The scene before me is pure debauchery.

"Babe! You made it!"

I hear Maddy before I see her. Then her unevenly hacked bangs emerge from the crowd like a warning sign.

She throws her arms around me.

"I live here," I remind her. "Getting here was pretty much inevitable."

"I was starting to think we'd lost you forever." She grabs my wrist. "Come on. Shot?"

"Obviously."

On the way to the kitchen, I hug, wave at, kiss hello, and strategically pretend not to notice at least a dozen people. Most of them are coworkers. At some point my apartment stopped being my apartment and quietly became everyone's favorite after-hours destination.

The kitchen table has been replaced by a beer pong tournament.

Music videos flash across the television.

The coffee table has become a buffet of recreational substances.

Out on the patio, Kelly and Jorge are making out with enough commitment to suggest they'll either get married or never speak again.

Everything appears to be right on schedule for 1:30 in the morning.

Maddy and I down two shots of tequila one right after the other.

Through the smoke, the moving bodies, the fog of a crowd, I see a familiar face.

“Oh my god is that Collin?”

Maddy's eyes go wide.

Whether she thought I wouldn't notice or wouldn't care, she was wrong on both counts.

"Um... yeah. He came with Aaron." She winces. "I didn't invite him. I swear."

I raise an eyebrow.

She doesn't even have to look at me to know I don't believe her.

"I swear!"

She reaches for the bottle of José Cuervo and pours us each another shot.

"I've had a very long day."

"A very long day," she agrees.

"This is the last person I wanted to see in my apartment."

"The absolute last."

"He's such a dick."

"The biggest dick."

She slides the shot across the counter. I grab it a little too eagerly.

"It was a really big dick."

I knock back what has to be the warmest shot of José Cuervo ever poured.

Maddy nearly spits hers out laughing.

“Him or it?”

“It.”

I pause.

“And him.”

Another pause.

“Both of them together are huge dicks.”

Maddy nods as though I've imparted some great truth.

"So... are you gonna talk to him?"

I think about it.

If I don't, it'll look like his being here bothers me. Like I'm trying to make a statement by pretending he doesn't exist.

If I do, and the conversation goes the way I suspect it will, it'll look like I'm starting a fight for no reason.

Either way, somebody's going to think I'm crazy.

Fortunately for me, I've never been particularly concerned with looking sane.

The next thing I know, I'm standing on the other side of the room.

To be fair, it isn't a very big room.

Aaron is on the couch, carefully cutting neat little white lines onto a mirror with the concentration of a brain surgeon.

I give him a sweet little eat shit smile.

He returns it with a polite nod.

Collin is busy clearing a bong, so I wait.

I'm not a monster.

I'd hate for him to drop it on the carpet.

The apartment would smell like bong water until one of us died.

"Hey, Sean!" Aaron says, glancing up. "You want one?"

He gestures toward the mirror.

"No thanks."

I smile.

"Maybe in a minute."

That's when Collin hears my name.

Or maybe he just comes to, suddenly realizing where he is and who he's sitting next to.

He coughs violently into the bong smoke before turning to face me.

"Sean!"

His voice lands somewhere between excitement…

...and absolute fucking terror.

"Hi!" My voice comes out brighter than I expected. "So... how are we? Are we enjoying ourselves?"

I could swear the room gets quieter.

Not silent.

Just quiet enough for everyone nearby to decide they'd suddenly become very interested in this conversation.

"Yeah..." Collin says. "Great party."

He's wearing a Metallica T-shirt he almost certainly doesn't listen to, skinny jeans, and Doc Martens polished within an inch of their lives. His hair falls across his face with that infuriating kind of effort that insists it took none at all.

What a fucking poser.

"Isn't it, though?"

"No, seriously," Aaron says from the couch. "It's a really good party."

"Yeah..." Collin says again. "I'm really happy I got to see you."

I believe him. It’s disgusting.

"Really?" I smile, "At a party full of my friends? In my apartment? Five minutes after I got home from work?" I tilt my head, "What were the odds?"

The color drains from his face.

His big hazel eyes fill with regret almost instantly.

For a second, I feel sorry for him.

This big fucking loser.

I realize it’s not going to take much.

The guilt is already written all over his face.

All I need to do is fire one more shot.

But before I can pull the trigger, Collin steps closer.

And suddenly, I lose my footing.

“Are you happy to see me?”

I catch the familiar scent of him.

Something like Santal 33 mixed with cigarette smoke, skin, and something so distinctly Collin that it could never be replicated.

For a second, I forget I was supposed to be angry.

I’m disarmed, but I’m not vulnerable.

“Am I supposed to say yes?”

“It would make things easier, yeah.”

I look into those hazel eyes.

Those warm, familiar eyes that know me as well as I've allowed them to.

The same eyes that have watched me cry over the things he's done. The same eyes that have looked at me with something I never quite knew what to do with. The same eyes that have wanted more from me than I was willing to give.

And somehow, I’m kissing him.

I don't know who moves first.

I don't know when the anger disappears.

I blame the warm José.

Once I pull away from Collin, I turn my back to him. I can feel myself losing control.

"I'm sorry," he calls after me.

I glance back over my shoulder.

"No, you're not."

Before he can respond, I pull him into another kiss. This one is deeper. Hungrier. Fleeting. Like I'm saying goodbye before he goes off to war.

"Come with me," Collin whispers, taking my hand and weaving us through the crowd.

"Have fun, guys!" Aaron calls after us.

He knows exactly where this is headed.

But like I mentioned earlier, I don’t really give a fuck what anyone thinks tonight.

We stumble into my bedroom, still tangled up in each other. His hand finds the small of my back as mine grips the front of his shirt, our kisses making it halfway across the room before we do.

"Are you sure?" Collin asks, catching my wrist as I reach for the button of his jeans.

I freeze.

Am I sure?

What kind of question is that?

Why would you ask that? Why would you interrupt such a perfectly good opportunity for me to make a spectacularly bad decision?

"You're right," I say, dripping with sarcasm. "We definitely shouldn't."

"So..." Collin says, pointing at me, then at himself, then at the bed. "You're saying we should..."

"Yeah," I deadpan. "Obviously."

***

We sit in my decelved bed. Half clothed. Half regretful. Fully confused.

Love isn't anything special. It's simple. Easy, even. People fall in love every day. It's everything that comes afterward that complicates things. Life is what's hard. 

The music from the party pounds through my bedroom wall.

Collin and I stare at it, each waiting for the other to speak first.

What I wouldn't give to know what he's thinking.

I let myself imagine he's realizing what an idiot he was for letting me go. That this one reckless decision has finally made him understand what he lost.

But I know that's probably not it.

In reality I know he’s probably thinking about how long he has to lay here with me till he can go back and rejoin Aaron at the party or he’s hoping he can slip out as soon as he gets his pants back on.

Some questions are easier to live with unanswered than answered wrong.

Instead, I decide I deserve to feel even worse.

"Does your girlfriend know you're here?"

Collin stiffens.

Without answering, he rolls onto his side and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He lets out a quiet groan as he pulls up his Levi's.

I watch him, waiting.

"You really can't just let yourself enjoy anything, can you?" he mutters.

"You can't answer the question."

He turns so quickly I almost flinch.

"I can answer the question." His voice is sharp now. "She knows exactly where I am. She knows I'm at a party with Aaron. She knows I'm at your apartment. She knows everything." He takes a step toward me. "What she knows is none of your business."

The anger coming off him fills the room.

I know he's trying to provoke a reaction from me.

Just like I was trying to get one out of him.

Silence settles between us.

I look into those hazel eyes that had been so warm only minutes ago. Now they feel like strangers.

"Okay," I say.