boys are mean

Below is an excerpt from my upcoming memoir DEMON TWINK …

I miss my mom. Is all I can think as I look down at my take-home folder and press a hand dramatically to the featured photo of a T-Rex on the cover. Like a movie, a tear drops from the corner of my eye and lands on the tip of the T-Rex’s nose. I can’t remember a time I cried because I missed someone so much and not just because I stubbed my toe or cut my finger. 

It’s my first day of kindergarten, and the first half of the half day was really fun. I was excited to show off my new blue backpack, my matching blue pencil box and my dinosaur folders, one for each subject. I was excited and relieved to see my friend, Britney, I was worried we wouldn’t be in the same class and we are. 

We had snacks, yogurt, granola bars and chocolate milk. I’m not the biggest fan of yogurt but something about eating it in the company of friends made the strawberry flavor taste gourmet. Britney didn't leave my side for most of the day, she held my hand and we played and ate together. Britney is probably the best friend I ever had. She likes the same things I like, she thinks the things I think are funny are funny, plus Britney is really pretty. She has long brown hair and big blue eyes. Sometimes I wish my eyes were blue like hers instead of the muddy brown I have. 

The second half of the period makes me sad because I’m not allowed to hang out with Britney anymore. See I made this deal with my mom this morning that I wouldn’t only hang out with Britney today, that I would make some friends that are boys. I have two really good friends, one of them is Britney and the other one is Cara who lives next door to me and we play almost every day. I know that I don’t really like hanging out with other boys and I don’t really know why I have to. My mom says that it’s because girls are mean. She says they might not be right now, but soon they’ll get really mean and that boys are nicer. I should be friends with boys. 

I should be but I don’t want to. It’s weird, because I have more fun with girls, I’m more comfortable around girls. 

There’s something wrong with me. I look around at the other kids playing in the room and I know I’m different from them. Why do I have to be different? My mom told me I have to make five boy friends today, and I think to myself about the boys in the room and try to remember five names because I know she’s going to check with me when she picks me up. 

“Sean, is everything OK?” I look up to see my assistant kindergarten teacher Ms K. Ms K seems like a nice woman with a good head on her shoulders. She’s probably in her mid 20s, she has cute bangs. I think I like her. She seems way cooler than the main kindergarten teacher, Mrs McKenzie.

“I like your hair.” I say to her, “you’re really pretty.” I smile as sweetly as I can at her and hope that this compliment makes her forget that she saw me crying. 

“Thank you, Sean. That’s really nice of you.” She says, smiling down at me, “do you want to work on this puzzle I’m going to do with Ryan?” Ms K points out Ryan, a boy my age with curly blonde hair and a striped shirt. He looks like a Disney Channel star but also like the boy on the cover of the third book in the Flowers in the Attic series. My mom won’t let me read them because they’re about incest and she doesn’t think I know what incest is but I do. And it may seem mean for me to say that someone looks like a product of incest and I suggest looking at the book because if you look at the book you’d understand it’s a compliment.

“Sure, that sounds fun.”

The puzzle is a still from The Lion King, Simba and Nala are playing in an open field with birds flying above them. Ms K tells us that the easiest way to start would be to find all the edge pieces so that’s what we do. Ryan and I dump out the puzzle. It’s pretty easy to find the edge pieces, and we start to connect them. I learn that Ryan has a golden retriever named ‘Courage’ just like the cartoon Courage The Cowardly dog. I tell him how I love that show but it freaks me out. He says the same thing. We smile and laugh. I think I can tell my mom that I made a ‘boy’ friend today. 

Ms K says we’re going to do a group activity before our parents come to pick us up, so she has to excuse herself while we finish the puzzle. Ryan and I spend some delicate time in silence putting together the skyline above Simba and Nala. I watch his fingers as they sift through the puzzle pieces. They are thinner than mine, but longer, and stronger. I know I need to touch his hand, and before I know it I am. I reach out and I grab Ryan’s left hand.

Ryan stops what he’s doing and looks at me. My hand on his. I’m frozen. I don’t know what to do.

I retract my hand. I feel my face getting red.

There’s a moment of silence that lasts for hours. I don’t know why but I feel like I might cry again. I know what I did was wrong, and I don’t even know why I did it. There’s definitely something wrong with me.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper just loud enough for Ryan to hear.

“You talk weird,” Ryan blurts out like he’s been holding it in this whole time. “You talk like a girl.”

***

Mrs Mckenzie and Ms K gather the class together and have us spread out in a circle. We all shuffle around till we make a circle that takes up almost the entire room. I sit next to Britney. I can see Ryan on the other side of the circle, almost as far from me as he could be.

Mrs McKenzie says that we’re on a journey now. This is the beginning of our educational journey. That this is the starting line and we can end up wherever we want to be. We have it in our power to be anything we want to be, and she wants us to go around the circle and tell the class what we want to be when we grow up. 

Fear. True fear. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t even know what I want to have for dinner. I can’t even talk to a boy without touching his hand and talking like a girl. 

Fuck me. 

I know I don’t want to be alone. But I also know I don’t want to be like my parents. I want to go somewhere and see something and be something… exciting. 

They’re moving around the circle really fast. Like. I’m shocked how fast. Do these kids have their college applications done already? 

“Lawyer.” 

“Basketball player.” 

“Pediatrician.” 

“Scientist.”

What the actual? I’m having a meltdown on the inside and I’m waiting for one of these kids to mention that they dream about being a therapist so I can talk to them about why I’m so terribly awkward in social situations and they can teach me to talk like a normal boy.

“Doctor.”

“Cook.”

“Teacher.”

“Teacher.”

“Teacher.”

It’s Britney’s turn, who is immediately to my right. And she says with shocking confidence, “Occupational therapist.” I look at her with a face of pure disgust. Who is this bitch? She is supposed to be my best friend, and I don’t even know her. And what the actual fuck is an occupational therapist? 

“Sean?” Mrs McKenzie brings my attention back to the group, “It’s your turn. What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I look at Mrs McKenzie with a loss of words. I look to Britney for support and she gives me an encouraging smile. I look over at Ryan who immediately looks away. I look back at Mrs McKenzie, who has this condescending, impatient smile on her face, and shrug my shoulders.

“I just don’t want to be boring.”