GLUCK!GLUCK!

below is an excerpt from my memoir DEMON TWINK ….

Science isn’t a subject I’m very good at. In fact I don’t excel at any subjects I can’t talk my way out of. Any subject with hard yes or no answers are typically the ones where I have the most trouble. There’s almost nothing I like about this class except science partner, Cameron. Cameron stands at a striking six-foot-two, his perfectly quaffed blonde hair sweeps across his tan and freckled face, his broad shoulders and adorable smile make me weak every time I see him. Not only is he gorgeous, but he has an amazing sense of humor and wants to talk to me and cares what I have to say. Imagine the body of a jock with the mind of an actually sensible person.

Cameron is one of those types of boys that I normally wouldn't have any interest in talking to. I’m a gay boy theater kid. Like. There’s no way he would have any interest in talking to me either, we are oil and water, opposite ends of the spectrum, we shouldn’t work, but for some reason we just do.

The project we have in front of us today is volcanic rock vs sedimentary rock and their differences in properties. When Cameron asks me, “How long does it take for sedimentary rock to be formed?” his hand found its way to my inner thigh and squeezed. My dick was instantly at alert. I look over at Cameron and notice that no expression on his face has changed. We hold eye contact as he waits for the answer to his question. He gives me a little smile and another squeeze on my thigh. I’m out of breath and am having trouble remembering what he asked me. 

Cameron’s hand moves a little further up my leg and I start to laugh and squirm a little. Before I know it the bell rings and I have to make it to next period.

For the next twenty-four hours all I can think about is Cameron’s hand. His hand holding my hand. His hand touching my cheek. His hand grabbing my neck. His finger in my mouth. His hand creeping it’s way up my leg, touching the outside of my underwear, my dick throbbing on the other side. I lean over and kiss his perfect face. His tongue tracing my lower lip. He smiles at me and says “I’ve always wanted this.” 

I shake myself out of the fantasy I’ve put myself in. There’s no reality to this. I’m a fifteen year old theater kid with a crush on a football player. That’s completely normal. He was probably just being nice to me. He’s a sweet guy. Cameron has always just been nice to me. Nothing to even hint that he’s gay or has a crush on me or anything. Sometimes boys can just be nice to other boys and that’s totally normal.

I walk into science class the next day and see Cameron sitting at our station. He’s writing something down in his notebook. His toned chest peaking out under his black T-shirt. I wonder if he’ll act differently today. He probably completely forgot about touching my leg. Today is going to be totally normal.

I sit down.

“Hi!” I say, maybe a little too excited. I try to cover up for my expression by looking away quickly and opening my notebook. I pretend like I care about class and am preparing the extensive notes I plan on taking. As I date the top of my paper I steal a glance over to Cameron, he’s not paying attention to me but is also invested in his notebook. I’m disappointed. I start to wonder if I made everything up in my head.

And then, as though my fantasy had come to life, Cameron’s hand found his way to my knee again. I lose all the breath in my lungs. I have no idea where it could have gone but suddenly I can’t breathe. I’m excited, I’m nervous. I’ve never had a guy touch me like this before – I’ve thought about it so many times but now it’s real. Now I have what I want. I want more.

I’m completely unaware of my hand but somehow it found its way to Cameron’s. They touch for a second before Cameron takes my hand in his. He laces his fingers through mine from behind. Like our hands are spooning and I’m his little spoon. I peek over at him and we lock eyes for the quickest instant. I can see he’s trying to hide a smile.

My pisces moon quickly begins fantasizing about our relationship. My mind is racing faster than the blood rushing to my dick. Is Cameron gay too? Does this mean he’s going to be my boyfriend? What’s it going to mean for him to come out to all his friends? Am I going to be dating a football player? Have I fallen into an episode of Glee? Is Lea Michele going to bust into my science class singing Katy Perry’s most recent hit song? I think I’m already in love.

Like one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Danny, a floppy haired, letterman’s jacket wearing stoner stops by our workstation to bring an end to the most perfect three minutes of my life.

“Cam! Hey, man!” Danny squeaks at my boyfriend, who drops my hand so fast it jerks my entire body. “Can I borrow your algebra homework?” He nods his head in my direction to acknowledge my presence, which I have to appreciate. I smile like nothing’s wrong even though he’s sliced my heart out of my chest, chopped it up on the table and started eating it right in front of me. 

My mind goes somewhere else, anywhere else. I need to ignore the hurt and rejection I feel. My first relationship was over before it started. And to think, I had imagined Lea Michele would be serenading us with sparklers coming out of her tits or something. Like what the fuck? How could I have been so stupid to think that a guy as cool as Cameron could be into someone like me. I’m a stupid gay loser. A nobody. No one on his level would be into me.

But really when I think about it, he doesn’t deserve me. He’s a dick who doesn’t care about anyone and just uses people. It’s disgusting. He probably just thought it would be fun to toy with my mind for a little bit, fuck with me and embarass me. Him and his friends will probably laugh about —

He put his hand on my thigh again. 

He squeezes my thigh and smiles at me. Am I an idiot? I’m a total sucker for this guy. Am I in a romantic comedy? I am Kate Hudson right now and Cameron is Matthew McCnaughey and we’re in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and we’re going to have sex in a shower after taking a ride on his motorcycle while visiting his parents in Long Island, I just know it.

After class Cameron doesn’t say much to me. We got up from our desks and went our separate ways. I went to choir, and sat in the baritone section and continued to fantasize about my new boyfriend. I know that it isn’t possible for us to be together. I know that I’m crazy. But he likes me. And I like him and we’re in love and no one can convince me otherwise. Not even myself.

I’ve pretty much been floating on a cloud since the last time I saw Cameron. Floating from class to class, floating to and from my locker, floating to make fun of lesser humans who don’t have the true love that I have. Floating and longing for the moment that I’ll be able to see my Cameron again. Now that classes are over, I’m floating to the auditorium to do homework before rehearsal starts when someone grabs at my arm.

I turn to see my boyfriend, Cameron. He looks a little flushed, out of breath, there's a light sheen of sweat on his forehead, but his bright blue eyes, full lips and perfect smile leave me breathless.

“Hey! Sean, what’s up?” Hearing Cameron say my name made me melt. I searched my mind for the perfect response. I had made up so many conversations between us that a real one seemed overwhelming, unfathomable. 

“Um. Hi! Just going to the auditorium.”

“Oh yeah, cool. You’re doing Grease right? Do you have practice right now?” He smiles at me again. He is so sweet that he knows what musical we’re doing. He’s such a supportive boyfriend.

“I do, in like an hour and a half. I’m just gonna hang out and do some homework before it starts.” 

“Can I hang with you?” I don’t really believe this could be this easy. Is this what manifestation looks like? Is this what that is? Is this how it happens? You just walk through the day being crazy and delusional and thinking you have a boyfriend and then suddenly you do?

“Ye-yeah, totally.” I’m trying to keep my cool as much as I can as I lead the way into the empty auditorium.

The empty theater welcomes us with a gust of cold wind, Cameron following close behind me says, “I’ve never been in here when it’s completely empty.” I can almost feel his breath on the back of my neck, making me slow my pace, wanting to feel more.

“Yeah it’s kind of spooky, but it’s an easy place to study and no one bothers you.” I turn around, my face now close to Cameron’s.

“You come in here everyday?”

“Before rehearsal, yeah. It’s easy because that way I can get some work done before I go home.”

“That way I know where to find you if I need another blowie.” 

Death.

Darkness.

All hope and love has been drained from the world. 

Suddenly I understand all of Lana Del Rey’s work. I’ve never felt so disappointed in my life. Of course I wanted to suck Cameron’s dick at some point but I also wanted him to love me. Is that too much to ask from my boyfriend? To love and lost at such a young age is an immense disappointment.

Cameron’s voice, now harsher than I remember, brings me back to reality, “I know you want to, the way you held my hand in class today I know that you wished it was my dick,” he grabs my hand and pushes it into his groin. His cock rock hard just beneath his jeans, basically begging to come out. 

This isn’t how I imagined this. It didn’t feel sexy. The back of an empty theater right after class? This is nothing like how I wanted our first time to be. I’m supposed to be dressed in all white, Cameron would be shirtless, lying in bed with a sheet just barely covering his chiseled body. He’s supposed to be telling me he loves me begging me to kiss him, to hold him.

“Hurry up, dude, I have to get to football.” Cameron pushes his pants down to his knees. His cock is bigger than I would have imagined for another eighth grader. I take his hard dick in my hand and give it a little tug, it feels good in my hand. Cameron moans, I like hearing this sound. Its making me hard too. I want to hear it again. 

I get on my knees and take him into my mouth. Cameron’s moans continue, encouraging me to continue. Knowing that I’m making him feel that good is making me so excited. 

“Fuck! That’s so good!” 

Cameron’s hand pushes down on the back of my head causing me to choke and gag. It only takes a couple more thrusts before Cameron starts to shake and tremble.

“Fuck!”

I do all I can to keep everything in my mouth. I swallow as much as I can before Cameron retracks from me. I sit back on the heels, out of breath, wiping the tears away from my eyes and the cum off my lip. 

Cameron grabs me by the chin, his face close to mine, I almost think he’s going to kiss me when he says, “if you tell anyone about this I’ll fucking kill you.” He steps back from me and zips up his pants. 

“I knew you’d swallow.”

As I sit on the floor alone, throat sore and underwear soaked, I couldn’t help but wonder: is this what love feels like?